Forever Thoughts Get In The Way

I have had the best and some of the worst in many things, in many ways. I have been loved unconditionally and I have been loved very conditionally and I lost the contest. But forever thoughts get in the way. Things that your parents did or said, sibling issues, self-reflection issues.
I have lost money and I have had financial opportunities. I have been beautiful and slim and young, sensual and giving. Could I have done things differently, I would have married more carefully and with more thought into compatibility, not differences. I would have given my love to those who did not judge me by class or intelligence. Forever thoughts and the what ifs. We have all had them. Some of us can stay in the present and plan for the future. Some of us can live too much in the past and wonder where we would have been if we had chosen a different career, a different love, a different path. Those forever thoughts; they get in my way.

It Has Been So Long and I Quit

Since I have written...This will be the first holiday season without both my parents. My mom died in 2008 (seems like three months ago) and my dad just passed in April this year. It leaves one feeling raw and open emotionally. I have been missing my dad a lot lately. He became a sweet older man with time. He never complained once after my mom died. The odd thing my siblings have a totally different outlook on their deaths, one of lack of sentiment. Their house, my childhood home, just sold. Another milestone of pain and change. To think of someone else living in there leaves me with anger and sadness both. Time goes on as do feelings.

I left the PhD program with a 98 average. It was too much for me. I am grieving that as well. It will take time. I was not a failure; I suppose a great success being able to call it a day knowing it may have been much work for nothing but an acronym after my name. I had to ask myself....why do they make the work so overwhelming? Is there a reason? Could it not be as intense? Times have changed in every case scenario I stand. And I really don't feel like it is 'becoming my parents' and hearing these same things. I think our times are VERY pressured, too much. SO I move forward again, one step, one day, at a time. No backwards allowed. Technology and everyone around me is moving fast. My drive to work via 4 major highways tells me enough.

Well I Passed!

I passed my Certified Legal Consultant test! I felt as if I was taking the bar exam! It was VERY hard. It had a lot of legal jargon, much of Latin derivation. Still I am very proud of myself and since that date have been taking daily steps to set up my own business: the LLC, the office set up and room designation for tax purposes (I will be working from home), and odds and ends which are many. Sometimes I wonder. I have had So much to do to pull this off, down to the suit, the briefcase, the referrals, the business stationary, the car magnets (cute huh...why not be a rolling advertisement-there are over 1,800,000 lawyers in the USA and counting! But the other piece is having to get another job while I have a job to build this business. I have applied for 11 jobs-try that on today's internet-ways-to-do-things-rather-than-on-paper mode) and I already have 3 bites. two are promising and exactly what I need. One is a Sat Sun 7p-7a supervisory position and the other is with an agency. Both will profit my desired end goal- to be an independent legal consultant. One is in geriatrics, the other will be in OB. These are the 2 HOTTEST fields involving law suits there are. Tally-ho.

Wish me luck my dear God- give me all your blessings.

I am testing tomorrow for my license as a Certified Legal Nurse Consultant. may all the forces of the universe, my own beliefs in myself, and my passion, take me to a passing score. Thanks for listening God. I know you already know if I passed. My path is already chosen.

MY Four-legged Friend-Misty Girl

I had bought her at the Vet's office. He had found a litter of barn kittens and was trying to find them homes. 200 dollars later, she was mine. I named her Misty because she had a bad cataract over her left eye. Later she would develop bad arthritis in her left leg,in the equivalent area of the human's knee. It made her left leg permanently bent at a 30 degree angle to where she had to limp. She was 7 until today. You see, we live on a farm. At 945 pm we found her dead in our yard, killed by another animal. Her neck was broken, her mouth full of blood and her white chest pink and red. But her sweet, lame eye was open, as was her 'good eye. She had eaten her dinner. She had gone out for her evening stroll around our back deck area. But when she never came in when we kept calling her, by early nightfall, we were out with our flashlights. We scoured the premises, but what we found was 4 feet from our garden. Our Misty Girl had been attacked and killed by a fox and lay there dead, bloody from her chest to her mouth. Her neck had been broken in that hard fight she fought to her death. At 1015 PM, we had laid her to rest 4 feet down in the garden spot she was closest to, in a box, wrapped in my husband's jacket and lain on a soft bed of towels, her proud head propped up. We even put a small amount of her favorite hard food in with her. We were crying like babies. My husband digging, and I just holding her and talking to her in her afterlife. She is gone from us now. Oh, did I mention she could talk? Not only was she lame, with 1 and one half cataracts, but she could talk in syllables. Her answers to your questions were always syllabic-ally correct and she would carry the 'conversation' on  until you stopped, not her. I will miss my brave baby. Another rescue and our third animal death in 5 years, 2nd parent death in 3 years. Yet her death- was tragic for one of the sweetest, most playful, snugly cats, who despite her imperfections, had the happiest, unpresumptuous personality of any cat I have known. God perfect you now angel Misty. You were a pleasure to have known, a joy in our lives

Birthdays and Zones of Discomfort

Today marks the beginning of my 55th year on the earth. I am 25 lbs overweight, work hard as a nurse, and ache like it too from both those sources. I remember Dale Carnegie saying, " Every action has a consequence". Therefore, every lack of action will also. It is a constant battle in the brain to do the healthier things. When one is so tired from long hours and devotional care, does one (do I) rest or exercise? I know the right answer, but rest feels healthier for me now. I have been a nurse for 33 years now. I have done just about everything and every area to do with it. Then there comes with it the response to friends and family because you ARE a nurse. I yearn to do yoga to get more limber and stretched/toned. I want to rejoin the gym. The oddity is, my knees are in good shape...(it is my hips that ache, and my legs from standing long hours) and I want to be a runner. I want for a neighborhood. I have no sidewalks where I live. I have no nearby school track. In either area, I would feel safer running.
I should go by Neil Armstrong's theory...One small step...(for me)...one giant step (in the short and long run- no pun intended). Maybe this will be MY year to move it along.

Listen Well and Don't Tell

Many people when you say something like, "Gosh I'm tired" will respond with something like, "Not as tired as I am". What most of we human beings want is social connection and human caring and yes, even touch. But it has become discouraging to me how poorly people communicate or how insensitive they can be to another's needs. When someone says' "I hate this job", instead of saying "Yeh I hate it too...just the other day...", say something like, "Yeh, this is a hard environment to work in. Are you sleeping OK"? But I am becomin more and more cognisant of how few people can actively listen or therapeutically communicate. To me,  it sends a clear message that many are so stressed and so into their enclosed world's stressors, that they have forgotten that it often does help to help another by actively listening to them and responding to them as if you heard them and that you care. I think the issue is that few have the reserve left, that many do not have the skills of communication and positive body language, and that many younger people were just not raised with the manners and ettique training some of we older ones were. The fear of authority had a lot to do with 'doing and saying the right thing'. I also believe that technology has removed many human physical contact factors and taken away 'paying attention' to those around you on a personal level.

Spinning

Where to go when you're spinning? It almost feels like the spinning is out of control. I've lost the cord; I'm feeling way off balance. I feel I have too many questions, to many decisions to answer in order to move forward. My job environment (the interactions and actions between and of people) is hostile and the politics are insane. I have yet to categorize how my parents' deaths have affected me. My 54th birthday coming up has me getting quite philosophical about my metamorphing body and my mortality. My relationships with siblings are strained and fading into dust. I have spent much energy with that subject. My relationships with friends has taken on a whole new meaning. I have only a few friends with whom I can trust for one. And yes, I really do trust them. But what I have noticed so strikingly lately is how stressed people are. But aren't most of us? What I am recognizing is that people are becoming meaner, and much less respectful. They are in their own caccon and cannot blend within the human existance circles, whether they be social, casual, or professional. Just because someone is undergoing stress, it does not give them the right to be rude or just plain mean. It is beginning to exhaust me trying to mentally play the depersonalization psych move. My feelings are hurt quite frequently lately, mostly by physicians who will inadvertently and unknowingly include me in their 'I hate nursing care here OR the nursing care here is lousy'. I pride myself in my care. I pride myself in excellent patient care. I resent these comments. They sadden me intensly because I do not deserve to be the brunt of these comments; they are being projected onto me. I am at a level where I am ready to sue for defamation of character. Yes that is how angry and upset I am.

That Which You Do That Is Responsible, Is Often The Most Difficult

When others need you, or just need someone, to help them, it will have its consequence. I just returned from a trip to Florida. It was to see an elderly couple, she 91 and he, 80. It was their birthday weekend. I was also down there to see my daughter and a friend who I consider my sister. They are all within 3 hours of one another. The elderly couple took me in as their own for many years. My mother had tuberculosis and spent nearly 3 years in a hospital. My Dad had six other children, ages 4 through 13. The friend that is like a sister to me, is the daughter of the couple that 'took me in'. They had an instant new member of the family. They  are wonderful, jolly people. At 91, my psuedo-mom iis still spry. At 80, my psuedo-dad still is fully functional and taking good care of both of them. At 67, my psuedo-sister is a newly diagnosed terminal cancer victim. She is their only child. She has 5 children and many grandchildren, even great-grands. She lives alone, near her parents. She has been divorced for a long, long time. So, the purpose of the trip was multi-faceted. I was there to see my 'second parents', I was there for their birthday parties, but most importantly- I was there for my 'sister'. She is going to die. She feels I am her only sibling. So I went with gifts and encouragement. Everyone I encountered will be affected by her illness and demise. Her 'children' who are 45-35, do not know where to go or what to do. They are pulling together (2 of them not so much), taking it day by day, as we all must do when faced with the many challenges life puts before us. Once again, I am faced with the fragility of life and its many miracles and gifts. Yet, once again, my own mortality and my life's gifts/blessings warrent time for appreciation. Now home, I must rest- because I flew in at 130 in the mornng and went to work a 15 hour shift the same day. But I did sleep 10 glorious hours last night and everything that I did which was stressful and challenging while away, was worth it, in some way/lesson or form.

They Keep On Dying/It Keeps On Coming Like a Locomotive

I just found out tonight that my adopted sister has terminal cancer. Now....I just lost my mother 3 years ago, and my Dad on April 4th of this year. I have buried at least 2, child-aged people, and friends in their 30's, 40's and 50's. Their deaths were primarily from cancer, 'syndromes', accidental deaths, or heart attacks.. Why, in this country, or any other, can't we figure this disease out? Cells in the body go evil and take over good cells. This has been around a long time now; probably longer than we know, way, way back in history. If I were talking to my ex-father-in-law, he would say it's a conspiracy theory. Control the population allowing big business to flourish and pollute, enhance cigarettes with more nicotine to increase addiction. Take away jobs, homes, sanity (increase the suicide rate and cause drug addictions), and increase gas prices. All of this will in turn increase the cost of health care and health care insurance needed. More expensive healthcare will cause more lack of compliance, more load on the middle income back, and more baby-boomer burn-out. Then the circle revolves to increase the need for more scientific study.

In any event, I am mortified and numb yet again. This woman has such a beautiful extended family. She lives a lone now and had just retired at 68. She wasn't feeling well. Her stomach hurt under her ribs. The sonogram shows a mass. The biopsy shows adenocarcinoma. The prognosis of gall bladder cancer with positive nodes, she is told, is 6-18 months. She is told her cancer is aggressive like pancreatic cancer.
Her daughter Lisa, called me to tell me I was number one on her mother's list to call and tell (after her immediate family of course). Now remember, this is my 'adopted sister'. When my mother had tuberculosis, I was a baby. My Dad was afraid. He had six other children to raise while my mother would be in the hospital for 18 months in Valley Forge. A neighbor asked a neighbor if they could help this man (my father)with seven children and watch his baby until his wife was well. The people who agreed one night, were total strangers to my Dad when he took me to live with them the same night. He knocked on their door, introductions were done, the baby and the clothing was handed over, and (the baby) I, instantly had a 14 year old sister for the next few years. Her name was Sandy. She was an only child. She now felt like she had a family. It was a sad time when I was slowly weened away from this family back to my biological family of 6. I felt lost in a shuffle. Confused. Scared. And I know Sandy was too. Now she is scared for her life.

She will have known about this diagnosis a week come Friday. She had her first chemo the day after the diagnosis. I was called tonight, by her eldest daughter, who was eight when I was born. All I know is, those years with Sandy and my 'adoptive' family were very happy, relaxed, warm, loving years. We are still in contact, my  'other' parents and I; she is 91 and he is 80. But their only daughter is close to death now if she goes without a good fight, many good prayers, much love, and the miracles gifted doctors can perform. Let us pray that Sandy can pray, stay busy, and fight. This I told her tonight," Tonight marks 'Kick Cancer's Ass Kick-Off Night". I could feel her smile over the phone 1000 miles away.

Feed Your Pets, Your Plants, Your Spirit

The animals are innocents. The plants, if you have taken them from the earth and put them in your house, then feed them and care for them too. Now your spirit. Big taking. It is very hard to be true to your spirit when everything around you effects you, no matter how many deflectors or filters you have. Then there are your obligations, your responsibilities. You work to live and live to work as 'they' say. You have chores to do and miracles to behold simultaneously. Not an easy thing. It is very much a matter of choice...and surprisingly enough, the chores can be done and the miracles can be beheld at the same time. But 'miracles' are missed on a daily basis by many. What exactly is a miracle anyway? To me it is something that is just spectacular, beautiful, or amazing. It is a shooting star, a perfect rainbow. It is when the thing you NEED, shows up in a form you don't recognize. It is when all of Lance Armstrong's cancer disappears through will or some unknown reason no one will ever know. It is a perfect song, a blue bird, a honeybee. It is the love you share with yourself when you allow yourself the time and then experience the peace that follows. It is simply sitting outside and in utter amazement experience the perfection of the world we know in its design. But we, as human beings, with all of our emotional vastness and complexities and traumas, forget to...just BE. 

The Past Always Effects the Present - But the Future.....? NO.

I know one is suppose to believe that living in the present is where one should always be. Dale Carnegie says to live in 'day tight compartments', like comparments in the hull of the Titanic. Shut down the front and rear doors to keep the water from coming into the middle- analogous to 'the now'....i.e. close the past and the future doors.
Still I find it hard to not continue learning from the past and therefore I have to go there. I have to feel it to put my future in perspective. I have no control over the future, or any knowledge of it. I wouldn't want to know. There are many things in my past I would like to remember. But what felt like traumatic times to me, kept my memory intake off, and my super-ego and id spiraling. I wish I could tap into my past family life through something like 'primal scream' therapy. But I know I cannot be hypnotized; I tried it to quit smoking (which I did in July of 2002 without even being aware of it...it just slowly happened and was gone). Maybe I need a psychic- someone who can really do palm reading and telepathic thinking- kind of like a 'Human Whisperer'. Do they have those? I guess the closest thing to it would be Freudian therapy, and while I think Freud was right-on in all his studies, I also believe cognitive behavioral therapy is more modern and less expensive in all ways. And now there are life coaches. Much merit in them and quite a variety of prices and styles. I have many wonderful past family and friend memories, but I have many blanks from age 2-16 and through going-away-to-college. Sad. I need them to heal. I need the closure.

Life's Tribulations

They usually come from those around us. They die, they hurt you, they challenge you, they undermine you. Worry takes the place of gratitude if we let it. It is much harder to be grateful in these times. Sandwich generation/ baby boomer/ approaching the sunset of our own human lives/ and unnecessary conflicts. Still, it is ideal to focus on oneself. But threatening that means often becoming reclusive and setting up barriers of protection, that one creates one's own world. I am on the bridge on this one. I look back at what I used to stand for and believe in, and look at now at how select things and people are unhealthy for me, and I look at the other side- what is to be with much work, focus, and belief in who I am and the worthiness I deserve. I am worthy of my own respect, my own peace, my own space in time that is filled with what I love that fills my spirit, soul, and heart. All God willing- and if not- because I can.

Bucket List to Lighten the Thoughts & Moving to the Future

I want to ride a camel and ride an elephant, to adopt a palomino and a fresian horse, to see a whale, to skydive, to see Venice, Rome, Tuscany, Australia, Africa, Alaska & America by motorhome, to publish a book, to drive Route 66 in my 66 Corvair convertible, to see the seven wonders of the world, to go into King Tut's tomb, to go on an Australian walk-about with a group of elders, to see Heaven.....the list goes on. At least today I sorted through some family photos and organized my beading materials, books, schoolwork, and my mind. I would just like to be lying on my back, on the sand in New Mexico right now, looking at the beautiful black sky filled with the clearest and most endless display of stars I have ever seen.

Help - I Never Had A Sense of Direction

I actually feel like I'm in a maze and I can't find my way out.

Family- A Word That Takes On New Meaning

The anguish that I am going through AFTER my parents death regarding sibling events and correspondences is tearing a hole in my heart and soul. I need to meditate with positive thoughts to deflect all that is happening. Sometimes I think I would rather be a ............be careful what I wish for. Serenity please come my way.

When Your Insight Becomes Metaphysical and Your Book Doesn't Get Published

Certainly morbidity and mortality are more on the minds of everyone in our world today. Historically speaking, we as 'a world' have endured much worse over the millenniums and eras, and as countries, we have experienced much more devastating events and scourges. But it is 'our time' in which to deal with a different lot of unsettling events, illnesses, and catastrophes, and with such problems as the rise in the abuse of drugs and a decrease in the number of doctors and nurses or the overly technologically-dependent countries. Battles are raging everywhere. Religion is one central, common, predominant vein of all the fighting, followed by politics, greed, dominance, and pure insanity. It is amazing how so many millions of cultures have survived on the same global planet. It is an enormous complexity of beliefs, values, ethics, morals, covert and overt players, activists, pacifists, destroyers and growers, and believers and nonbelievers. When one thinks of planet Earth comprised of nations, it is analogous to an extended family. It was either designed by God, occurred via Darwinism, or is Mother Nature or an Alien Nation's creation, in anyway having everything it needs to survive left natural.. There is an authority figure and there are children.One sets the rules and actions cause reactions and there will always be a consequence for each action. The United States has often thought of itself as the global authority figure. In many ways, it has felt that it truly is a nation under God and formed by our forefathers, some of greatest minds. Still, Buddha and Indian elders/spirits also have astounding stories of great beginnings. Why is there evil in the hearts of many? Why is there famine and disease? One of the simplest and longest living cultures on the earth (they live to an old age) is the Australian Aborigines. It is on my bucket list to do a walk-about with some elders one day. It is also on my bucket list to ride an elephant and a camel. I wrote a book once: Willey the Wombat's Walk-A-Bout. It never got published. I had an entire series planned. I must have sent that book to 23 publishers with no luck. I suppose these days you have to be a star to have your children's' book published. It was quite good.

Fragmentation

Odd that I would have such a blog highlighting positives when I fight so with the negatives in my life right now. It is a new venture, a new era in my life. I have lost both my parents within 2 years' time. I feel fragmented. I don't know who I am; I know this is the time to declare myself. As Kahlil Gibran says, " Your children come through you not from you". A philosophically true statement. And if that is the case, I must make my own way. I have not to be like my parents or live my parents' dreams. I have to define who I am alone made from their protoplasm and DNA but able to plot my own course. Each day is a struggle.  This is my journey; I only take it once. I am appreciative of all I have experienced. It is all for savoring and taking in. My mortality is so real now. I have limited time I know now. I feel I must plan strategically, seriously, for life is so precious. Like Dale Carnegie says, all actions have consequences...I can only pray to beat the odds...............

The Wind Through My Hair

Today is the day I need to start over. Back on my diet, back into gardening more. Back into reading. Letting go of family issues I have no control over. Taking more time out for me. Bonding with my animals ever more closely. And let's not forget to bead. I have so much jewelry to make..oh and art work...I have bought pastels, and paper. I have officially resigned from the PhD program. I have no need of it. I have decided instead to follow through with a past attempt ( I went to a mini-seminar on it in the past) and become a Certified Legal Nurse Consultant. I am going to walk my dog Shilo today and take him down to Morgan Run...just to feel this wind through my hair and to feel his unconditional presence in my life.

When the Vision Goes

Of course our eyes get worse. I happen to think out philosophical vision does as well. Seems harder and harder tostay positive. Yet positivity and being optimistic are what drives forward. There have been those who were delusional or psychotic like Van Gogh or Edgar Allen Poe who have had vision. Funny how those with mental illness; as it is called, are often those who contribute these enormous things to our world and times...like art, writing, inventions.

The Animals Are Special, Music is Therapy

If it were not for Shilo, my golden, demanding my love and attention, I would be less comforted. He only wants food, love, and attention (much simpler versions than humans). Shilo. Add my slumbering dog at my feet, listening to Adele and Sade, with good coffee, some sun outside, and life is good.

I am amazed by all living things, but why do vultures have to be so ugly? I love listening to birds. I would love to hear a live loon's song; it is so smooth and long. The mockingbird is amazing (like it knows a symphony), and the wrens and swallows sing sweet, fun, light songs. Funny how some of the prettiest birds have the less pleasant songs, like the bluebird's and the cardinal's, both aggressive birds.

But back to things great and small, I can even get enjoyment out of watching a furry spider just walk. I have to say there are only two living things I don't like...mosquitos and flies. Lady bugs are getting up there though, as cute as they are. I remember learning a fly regurgitates at least seven times every time it lands. That's how they clean themselves. But when I think of maggots, a fly's larval stage, I want to puke, but thank God that they devour the dead. There is a place for every living thing. It is all connected and amazing.

Music is therapy, no doubt in my mind. I am very musically open-minded. There probably are only a few genres I don't like. I was listening to (I guess you would call it) avante garde music on the way home. I heard a David Bowie/Pat Methany song...it had in it somewhere 'this is not America'. I have to get that. I have liked David Bowie a long time, and to mix him with a jazz artist, sweet. What a combo.
Since the Thailand tsunami, Sade's song 'Pearls', is my favorite of hers; it makes reference to 'a woman in Somalia', where the tsunami made a big hit. I am now listening to Adele-21. Good stuff. It is one of those CDs where all the lyrics and music are very good. She is very sensual and expressive, and has a very unusual, great, raspy, strong voice.

I watched 'The Social Network' last night (this morning?) from 130-330 am...I couldn't sleep. I didn't see what the hubub was all about. If Zuckerberg is anything like that, he is an odd fellow. His affect was very bizarre. But I guess a Harvard sophomore prodigy is allowed that. I watched 'The Queen' with Helen Mirran (sp?), the other day, just to see what it was all about and to just get my mind off things. She did a great job, but again, this movie did not float my boat.

Speaking of boats. I could use one right now. I love the water....brooks, streams, lakes, oceans, rivers, and the sound and water makes is soothing.
Boy do I need soothing. I have Morgan Run down the road from me; I plan to take Shilo there when the weather gets a little warmer so he can swim and I can enjoy.

I Made It ...Almost

My first day back to work was yesterday. It might have been because of the flax and oat bran cereal the evening before, but I had severe diarrhea and hyperstalsis. I could not concentrate and felt very emotion-on-my-sleeve. I usually work twelve hour shifts. I get up at 445 am and leave for work 545am. I get home at about quarter-to-nine. I did not do 'well' my first day. I found myself feeling very self conscious and raw. I could have cried at any given moment. By the time I had had 4 bouts of bad diarrhea, it worked it's way to nausea. Well feeling bad made me more emotional. So that was not helping. So I decided to bite off my pride and ask to go home early ill at 230pm. I drove home in tears and afraid. I was worrried I would, for real, crap my pants sometime during the hour drive I had home. Please God, don't add 'crap my pants' to my misery right now. When I got home I took a bentyl (for irritable bowel), two tylenol for abdominal pain and headache, fixed myself a real Coke and quickly laid face down on the sofa, my whole ventral torso on a long, set-on-medium, heating pad. I had to get up for one more episode in the bathroom, returned to the face down sofa flop and cried over my Dad and being embarrassed at having not made it through test drive number one....my first day back at work.

Today I made it the full 12 hour shift and feel like I have been beaten up ( two days of gardening, worrying about my first day back to work (still feeling raw), and now, with a sore gut and anus. It was a typically heavy day at work where I only got to urinate once, got half a cup of coffee down, and shuffled the care of six different pregnant women who had uncontrolled diabetes, toxemia, a cerclage etc.....I felt proud as I left after the full day staying in the saddle on my get-it-together-horse. Now I sit writing and my whole body is hoping for relief that only my mind can give (at least that's what the evidence seems to show). Yesterday at work I received a beautiful plant and many hugs. Each hug made the tears rise up. When I came home early and ill yesterday, there were three more cards waiting for me. Today at work, I received a card signed by most of those I work with. I then came home to 2 more cards and some perfume and body wash I had ordered for me. I now have two days off to rest again, get more air and sun and wind and just let the feelings flow, keep pushing forward, and push up if the sarcophagus feeling beats me down. Night mom & dad. God how I want to believe there is a heaven. You both were very brave ill and dying human beings. I suppose 'in dignified fashion' would describe how you both left this world in my arms.

Drunk and Wasted Where I Should Be

I try hard as I can to move forward after the second of my parents died April 4, 2011. My Dad and I had a special bond. I understood what he could not say or express. Because I was his blood, his genes, perhaps that is why I perceived him as he truly was. I knew of a handsome man...one my mother could not resist. I knew of a son who was born from the reunited effort of his parents, seven years separated. I knew of a sensitive man, because he told me once, "I am sensitive". I endured unrelenting flagelation from my mother upon him. I endured a woman who cried at night alone in her bed because she was so distraught and left alone....all except that I heard her. The youngest of seven, not spoiled, yet forsaken and enduring.

Getting On With It

Today I am going to do something positive for me, to help me. I am going to do- something- which will be another small step out of the frozen sphere I am in. Yesterday, I pushed and went out and did a lot of yard work. I trimmed and transplanted. The sun warmed my face and the wind was sweet. My lillies are coming up. My hasta are showing their heads. My red cedar is going from bark to a beautiful green giant. In June/July my majestic red mallows will push up their bamboo-like stalks and give me 8 inch red, habiscus-like blooms. Outrageous and sweet. I love to garden. Today I am sore from yesterday's digging, raking, and weeding. And as the birds sing and begin to nest in their usual places, life cyclicly goes on.. If one measures one's life by their favorite season, a short life is realized in line with eternity. How many springs do I have left (so to speak)? Bring on the blessings God. Give me strength. Help me push forward and reap my rewards and realize the life you have wanted me to have.

The Sarcophagus

This is the second day in a row I awoke with a rough headache. But this morning I was able to cry. That was the positive.Why the title 'sarcophagus'? Because I lay like one for 4 hours this morning. I was motionless, like I was dead stuck in a box, just thinking of the loss of my parents, looking out at the birds and nature, hearing the birds sing, and feeling empty. It was the sun and song that finally pushed me to get up (in addition to my head). I had a small grasp of a positive and PUSHED myself up to the sitting position. My golden Shilo, was and has been at my side every step of the way. Even my cats have been sitting with me and being close. Animals are amazing. How can anyone abuse them? Ghandi once said 'that if we all gave an eye for an eye, the world would be blind'. Something like that. Still I think people who set animals afire after dousing them with gasoline, should be doused with gasoline and set afire. I think known child offenders should have their genetalia cut off and maybe their fingers and then cut out their tongues. That should cover any further abuse. Animals and children....love them...protect them. They are innocents. I believe we should also bring back public executions for witnessed offenders of heinous crimes. No trial. You did it, now you get it. Our legal system wastes too much time. It always brings me back to the thought of ethics/morals....what if they are emotionally unstable/sick? Seek help before you hurt another living thing. It is troubling knowing that prisoners receive the best education and healthcare than many of us, and we, the tax payers are paying for it.
I think an eye for an eye is certainly better than 'turn the other cheek'. Life is too precious to allow people to end it with evil intentions.

It's Like When Your Second Child Comes

When your first child comes, you take so many pictures, do so much documentation. When your second child comes, that child is no less special, but often, the pictures and writings are fewer. That is what it feels like for me right now, but it is with regard to the death of my father which followed my mother's by 2 years. It has been 2 days since my Dad was buried. All I have been through, I have not lifted a pen to my journal which I kept during the last days of my mother's life. I suppose I am not ready yet. I remember his time of death. I remember giving him his morphine, of bathing him head to toe the morning of his death. But I have yet to write of his last days, the last year or even of my memories of him. Still in a blur, I feel like I am in slow motion.

A Place I've Never Been Before

Today, April 11, 2011, my father was buried with full military honors at the Crownsville Maryland Veterans' Cemetary. When the soldiers in full Army dress uniforms shot the rifles and when 'Taps' was played...I cried.
To watch the soldiers in dress uniform meticulously fold the casket-covering American flag, and to see it given to my oldest brother (who also served twice in Vietnam) filled my heart with bittersweet memories. It was a sunny day, but even the delightful, cool breeze and the smell of spring in the air did not fill the void opening me up raw while watching them lower my Dad into the ground atop my Mom.

One Foot in This World, One Foot in the Next

Sunday, April 3, 2011

I remember sitting on my Dad's living room sofa just this Sunday passed. I was listening to him breathe, pulling, with his oxygen on, in his hospital bed. I was reading through the hospice booklets. I had just gotten off work and came to see and stay with him for I knew the time was close. It was one of the most difficult emotional days I had to get through while trying to focus on patient care for 12 hours. Little did I know, but still sensed, my Dad would die tomorrow. The hospice literature talked about the dying having one foot in this world and one foot in the next. Another vision they expressed was  that of a sailboat riding into the horizon and sunset. From our side we were saying "There he goes...bye..bye..". From the spiritual side, heaven, the hereafter, family long gone, army buddies, they were saying, "Here he comes...it's him at last"!

                                                         1-08-2011

That thought helped me as I slipped into a pair of his pajamas and grabbed a blanket to keep vigil with him thoughout the night. In the morning I would bathe him. We were both exhausted. I simply told him as I kissed him on the cheek, "Mahala loves her Daddy". His eyebrows raised and he actively squeezed my hand in his when I took his hand in mine and I laid my head on his shoulder to sleep.

This is a picture of my mom and dad, both age 22, in 1944, on their wedding day.
My Dad just passed away at 732 pm on Monday, April 4th, 2011...2 days ago.
My Mom passed away in July 17, 2008....which only seems two weeks ago.
Now I am without them both. Somehow the whole definition of who I am has changed and a big hole has been left in me. I cry, sleep, cry, do laundry, cry, clean the kitchen, cry. And there are still 4 days until his viewing.

Where to Go and What to Do When You Don't Know Where or What

I don't know what I would do without ths blog. It has been cathartic for me. It's like I am talking to no one but still baring my soul. An interesting concept. Free therapy. I don't know what I am suppose to do right now but stay strong and keep moving. I will see my dad today and again Saturday. Sunday, I will go back to work, now that all is set up for his Hospice care. I can step back and not be the nurse when I am with him, which is what I wanted. I want to just be the daughter. But now the daughter will lose her father. The 'when' is the hardest part. Giving things 'up to God' becomes harder too when you're only a student of His. I try, honestly I try, but I was raised in a double-standard Catholic household. I never knew the Bible. I still don't. We sat in church but Hell was before going and after we left. Whoever said the youngest child is the spoiled one...forget it. We usually see all the mistakes, the hardships, the violence, the thick air. The only positive in my Dad's ensuing death is his ensuing peace. Like it has been said, "It is the living who suffer". The pain of losing a parent, both parents, NEVER goes away. Never. Because it is this loss that makes you confront yourself and what is left of your own life.

Does Time Really Heal?

Even my dog, Shilo seems sad today. Who says animals don't know. They do. They sense. Today I have to go and set up hospice for my Dad so he can come home to die. Where do I find the strength? The tears run down my cheeks just typing this. But does time heal? I don't think so. Events happen- related to people so important to you, or those you so loved so strongly in the passed and lost. Time blurs the memories, but there is always a nebulous ache deep in your heart and a void-like space left in your gut.

Dad is Dying

I am in a fog. The worst is coming out in us all as we try to cope and do the right thing. The only problem is, being a family of 6 (one MIA) makes decision-making harder. We all have beliefs about things such as parenteral nutrition, defibrillation, and hospital vs. home. I am for bringing him home and having hospice. Others want to try other things which are invasive while he is in the hospital. I do not want to play the game of heroine; I want to walk him to the Gates to Heaven, talk to him all the way, and then let go of his hand, wish him well, and unselfishly smile as he lets go to walk in paradise with my mom. Thank God right now for the little things. Animals (your pets) know when there is sadness or illness. They offer some peace just by their unconditional love.

When Push Comes To Shove

One thing that keeps me grounded right now is reading Dale Carnagie's book Stop Worrying and Start Living. It is filled with wisdom, history, quotes, and allogories. One thing interesting he speaks to: 'keeping day-tight compartments' (locking out the past and future). Another is, your brain can only think of one thing at a time, so keep busy. Sounds simple enough, but when going through tragedy, it is even more important to act and not react, do things that matter, and do things that are righteous. I now have all his books and have bought books he has alluded to. David MaNally's book, Even Eagles Need a Shove, about describes me right now, though I feel like a hummingbird whose heart is about to give out. I am off to the hospital to see my father.

Morbity and Mortality Come Closer and Closer

    When you approach the years of 'middle age', you look back and wonder why no one told you that it would be an exercize in 'Loss-501'. I use 501 because that usually is a master's course level, and this is when we are to master the skill of coping and pressing on after losing parents, siblings,....all those from levels 101, 201, 301 and 401. It would have only been fair to say we were already through 101, 201, 301, and 401. After all, we witnessed aunts, uncles, and grandperants die....but they seemed to be in a remote neighborhood far away from what we lived with- a feeling of immortality. We have, or at least I have, very little memory of the deaths of grandparents, aunts and uncles. What I do remember much more vividly were the losses of friends in their sleep or to suicide or drowning. That would be my 401 level class. 301 would have to be going to funerals of distant relatives that caused my parents much lamenting and tears. I remember flying alone to 'represent' my mom and my brothers and sisters at my grandmother's funeral. She was 104 and I had met her three times before her death, but she and my mom were not 'close'. So I went for my mom. Sad as my mom was her only surviving child. But she couldn't do it. She did not shed a tear in front of me, but I knew she was hurting over the life she had  not had with her mother. My grandma was ornry and blatant. My mom said she used to call her stupid all the time and throw things at her and favored her only brother. Yes that would be level 301. To feel the pain they are feeling because when your parents hurt, you hurt.
    I remember flying alone with my Dad to New York to bury his favorite sister, a nun and the sister who literally raised my dad. He fell to his knees in tears delivering her eulogy and I was the only one in a room of many (including nuns) who rushed to lift him up and hold him. Sad and sacrilegious. Very hard for me. I was the baby of seven. Where were my older brothers? My sisters?
   I suppose 201 would be watching those around you as you grow from pre-teen to 'adult', go through pain and illness. 101 would be experiencing your own illnesses (as a child and young adult) that you somehow knew you would survive. (Keep in mind, I did not exist during the Great Depression, The Plague, the flu pandemic of 1918, or WWI or II, polio, smallpox and TB). My parents witnessed in some sense of the event, WWI through their fathers. My dad was 17 when he joined the Army and was 19 when he was next to be shipped out to Normandy. I wasn't born until my Dad was 35. Instead he fought other battles and did 2 tours in Vietnam as did my one brother.
   So here I am numb and confused at the master's level and master of nothing but an odd painful numbness.

When The Lights Go Down in the City

I placed a DNR in my Dad's medical record today as he lay in the hospital ill. He is now 88, incontintent and more confused. It is sad to see the emptiness in his eyes. Perhaps God plans it that way....that we not know where we are as we prepare for our last journey.
What a plague it is to have upon you this resposibility, this 'call'.
But I do it for my mom; I held her as she died. God rest her soul (7-17-08).
Now Alfred George Keggins, my 'daddy', is leaving me slowly.
It is just about going to kill me.

The American Health Care Scurge

Health care in the United States is shaped by the lawyers who mitigate unnecessary cases. "Call -A-Lawyer" adds need to be removed from television. Think about that one. Do you know how much money it costs to run an add during prime time? Millions. Now how do these lawyers get this money to pay for these adds? They make perhaps up to 50-90% profit from 'winning' the health care cases that should have never made it to court. Putting ideas to sue into audiences' minds makes these lawyers 'bottom-feeders'.

Is it a Running Away or a Spiritual Sojourn?

I missed touring Europe for the summer after high school and before college. I never even fulfilled my dream of spending summers (a couple) in Ocean City, MD waitressing by night and sunbathing and musing by day. I now have another opportunity and I am miffed as to whether I should go with it. I want to go do a travel nurse assignment in Arizona. Why? Because I do not like my job nor my hour long drive to get there or to get back from there. I risk my life on 4 very busy freeways/beltways, and interstates to get there. I have been under a lot of pressure. I am one who feels there is NO time that is the RIGHT time. The one adventure that was impetuous turned out to be a lasting memory. I took a 1,000 dollars and my two kids and went up through New England and back, seeing all historic places and some just fun ones. It was totally spontaneous. It did wonders for my sense of fun and love of travel and just for giving in to a whim. Yes, why not be a traveler. My husband could take care of  business here and actually probably more efficiently. It would be a lesson for me in 'How grown up and brave can I be'? I am speaking of a 13 week contract in the state I want to retire in, to get in touch with me and subtract the stressors/suppressors around me here. It would be a vacation of the soul. I do love quiet and solitude.

When People Feel 'Stuck', They Have Forgotten They Have Choices

It is like the old "I hate my job, but I can't leave". Well, searching for a new job helps one to realize there are other jobs out there. People limit themselves by choices they consciously or subconsciously make. Choices made in an effort of  'saving one's self' are often difficult to make, but in the end, they are the ones that cause the more positive changes. These types of change choices are never the easier ones. Others may think you callous, self-serving, unhelpful. At other times and perhaps in different social circles, you will be thought of  as 'only thinking of yourself''. My take on it all- if you have a clear conscience and you have done many, many good deeds for a long time, it is your time for your freedom-whether it be freedom and forgiveness in your mind or whether it means moving your body to another state or country to solidify a sense of  'I earned and have needed this for a long time'. Bring on the blessings that await you (according to Jabez). Bring um on!

Is It Time To Go?

My husband and I are ready to go, tired of the weight we've been under; a weight that has broken our spirit and our hearts. Life is an adventure right? We are under such strain, much we have no control over. It affects us to the bone and we are ready to snap. What does that mean? We're not sure. I think it means put the house up, pack up and go out west. We all start with nothing coming into this world, and we certainly leave it with nothing.

Staying Focused When Things Feel Overwhelming

When you are a nurse, you face the conundrum of providing care to those outside your job. Equally I suppose doctors get the same: "Oh you're a doctor...well my leg has this rash....". They may feel impelled to offer advise based on their education and oath, yet, the day-to-day job they have has its own schedule and stressors, much like nursing. I read the works of Robert Wicks. He has a book out re: secondary stress and about how it effects the caregiver by just being a caregiver and what it means to decompress and rejuvenate oneself. Giving of oneself when you have little reserve, unless someone is spiritually grounded, is difficult and demands extreme focus and positive thinking. It involves being SURE to be good to oneself first and maintaining that throughout care giving------else one loses oneself.

The Envy Of Close Families

I have always been envious of families who are close and loving with one another. Most Jewish families seem to be like that. Family is first. Still, there are many others who enjoy this closeness, people who talk to a sister or brother or mom every day. My own family seems to always be impatient with each other, a trait gotten/learned from my Dad. My mom taught us anger and how to hold on to it. It is a shame when your family endured difficult times coming up and that now as we are older, the competitions seem to continue in one way or another, like sibling rivalry. I am different from my other family members. I can avoid panic and generally am not impatient. I give cards and gifts for birthdays because I think it is important. But that is my choice. I just had a stressful week dealing with a family member with regards to my Dad. The positive: I had quality time with my 88 year old Dad and that is never measured in money, nor can irritants erase my love for him and my sadness when I realize my days are numbered with him, and he will go to be with my mom.

Health Care Today

I feel the need to ventilate about two health care-related topics: 1) the way in which our system rushes you from one unit to the next or one facility to the next and, 2) the lack of the ability of health care workers to provide empathetic care and time with patients. Let me start with the first and lead into the second.


I just experienced the 'flow' of a family member through 'the system'. She had an extensive 8 hour reconstructive surgery which landed her in ICU. With blood pressures in the 70s over 40s, she bought herself an overnight stay. She was transferred to an ortho floor after 4PM. The following 6PM she was being shipped to a rehab facility. The ambo was en route at the same time an occupational therapist was cutting at and adjusting her full-torso-front-to-back two piece-brace. I had just finished giving her her first bed bath. I found erroneous leads and tape all over her. There were blisters and breakdowns in many places from pressure or tape or teds or SCDs. Now here's the kicker. Why, does a c-section patient get to spend 4 days in the hospital and a fusion patient (me) gets to 'spend the night"? This family member had at least 40 screws and umteen rods along her entire spine. It was a 100% spinal reconstruction.
I have first hand knowledge and experience of the lack of adequate hands-on and often empathetic care simply by being a nurse. Our system is to blame for this. Being a patient in a hospital governed by  insurance monopolies is not where anyone wants to be.

Nursing is the 'next-to-the-hardest job' I have ever had or done.

It is only to be surpassed by teaching...to which I have given 7 years of my 32-year career. Today, I had two mothers hemorrhage. For any OB nurse out there, it is a nightmare. To any lay person, they cannot stand the voluminous amounts and colors of blood being birthed. While their baby lays in a crib, the life is flowing out of them. Their significant other is either asleep from a 'hard night' or they are on the computer or cell phone. I am cross-matching blood and calling doctors and techs and the blood bank. How dare they lay and not know of what is going on. How dare the doctor who doubts your nursing diagnosis. Lay the clots on a hampton so you can calculate the blood loss. Save all the peripads and laps and 4X4s. Get the methergine, the hemabate and watch the father lay there and put it on facebook and text his girlfriend. Assess the baby at regular intervals (peak assessment- new term as of today). Yes, it was tough. Charting (yes the infamous EMR) had to wait and be 'late-entried'. Yes my other patients were delayed and yes, I felt morally and ethically lowest on the totem pole because THEY were not getting equal attention with less emergent issues.
Teaching you ask......... try teaching high school vo-tech nursing and geriatric aide, grades 10-12, in a lower, socio-economic area, where only a handful of the TOTAL number of students I had, did I know had what it took. I had 5 lesson plans-a-night to prepare, five different levels of classes: Pre-nursing I, II, and III- and Geriatric Aide, I & II. I had kids who wanted to be something and I knew they never could do it. I had kids who, by the age of 17 and on drugs with two kids who desperately (though emotionally and socially they could not, even though intellectually, they could have) wanted to be a nurse. I had special ed inclusions. I had ADHD kids. I had roosters in my hen houses. I had it all. What made it worse was that my Principal was a playboy. I spent much of my time in his office with disruptive or disrespectful students than I did with teaching. He would come on to me after classes. BUT...I was not interested. I took my KIDS to the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place wins in the state competitions. I had a classroom with a 3-bed instructional area I would spend hours in, after class with students. They were to excel; no one was to stop them..no matter who did them wrong, whose boyfriend was untrue, whose father was missing-in-action....it didn't matter to me. I wanted it for them and made them believe. It was hard because there is a fine line between being a parent to them, or friend, and being a teacher. I had a knife 'shown' to me once. I had pills offered to me more than once. I brought in cow's tongues from the butcher to teach the digestive system and about the fungi form taste buds. I brought in social workers, took them to the Wyman Park Medical Museum. I had them watch surgeries and made them dress in all white for graduation. I would even walk the bus row on the way to the nursing home to have them take out their hoops and piercings-not on my watch. And you know........they wanted it, craved it, and needed someone to tell them, make them, be the best they could be and LOOK and ACT the part. I will always miss them. Them and my Geriatric Aide students I also taught through a nursing home conglomerate. I would train them to pass the state's tough exams only to have them thrown to the wolves with 15-50 (yes I said 50) nursing home residents to care for. But I taught them character, chain-of-command and legal documentation. They were the package and I, their ribbon. I loved them all...high school and women and men of all vocations and cultures. Let them stand tall for they were exposed to what health care really is. Oh, and did I tell you that it was for three years straight that I took 1st, 2nd, and 3rd in the state, and that one year- I had a kid place 4th in the United States. Yes ALL those long hours were worth it. But students are hard to get out of your mind...they are an appendage of you. Your patients need your best for 12 hours, 8 hours and then you go home. With teaching, you are up until 3 grading papers and doing the next day lesson plans. On Saturdays you are grading papers. On Saturday nights, you pull a 12 hour night shift as a nurse to keep your skills and license up. On Sundays you sleep and, in the afternoon, you rise to have some time to breathe and reinvest your thinking. I was proud to show my own two kids something. They turned out great. God bless us all..................................

Goodbye Smokey

Good-bye Smokey, my cat, my pet, my friend. I had to say,"please put him down now" today. I had no intentions of doing it. I sensed he was trying to clear a hairball over the last few weeks, so we started treating him with hairball cream to his paw. He had been eating, drinking-pretty much his usual self. Late last night however he was wretching again and did not produce anything but seemed to breathe in and choke on whatever did come into his mouth. He had some breathing distress though he was not panicked, so I gave him some chest PT, his breathing settled down, and we fell asleep on the sofa, him in my arms. The next morning he was pulling, retracting, working hard to breathe. I took him to the vet and the vet xrayed his chest. I was not at all prepared for what I would see. I cried as I studied the films with the vet. Smokey had been functioning on 25% of his lung tissue. There was a large pleural effusion showing in most of his chest cavity and there were some tumors. I knew right away, looking at those films, I would have to put him down. He was a beautiful, fiber optically-furred black cat with piercing green eyes. The tips of his long black hairs looked as if they had been dipped in beige paint. Smokey wanted for nothing but to be left alone, be stroked and loved-up once in awhile, and to be no bother. He was happy just to have a home.
After having him euthanized, I sat in my car with him in my arms. I spoke to him, stroked him, and cried. I told him I was sorry. As a nurse, you become angry when you think you missed a diagnosis or signs. The positive from this- a lesson- never assume your cat is trying to clear a hairball if nothing is produced. I took him home and laid him on a quilt in the foyer area so that the other animals could see and acknowledge he was gone. Maybe that was too hopeful. After all, other than his newly shaved foreleg, he looked peacefully asleep. As I lay crying next to him on the floor, petting him, my husband came home from work. He too was shocked and shed his tears.He told me to let him go that we had to bury him. Call it silly, but I buried him with a toy, a little stuffed mouse, and a picture of us. My husband asked where I wanted him buried. I chose to bury him in my closest-to-the-house-garden. He only wanted a home and I was glad to give him one-my adopted, rescued Smokey. Rest well my friend.

Do People Really Think.......

Referring to some twitter comments: Do people really think that they can make a change that is positive through their negative vibes and voices? I mean, I do not believe in sunshine blowing, but I do believe that it does help to keep negative comments and just downright rude comments to yourself. It becomes even more volatile when a negative person has a high IQ and is politically and socially informed. Put intelligence to good use instead of just complaining and insulting. Please!

Feeling 'Dazed and Confused'

Another two weekend days to work and again I am regretting it. The sense of family as caregivers is gone. I miss it. Very few people have the knack to do their work and manage to keep up with everyone's business. I often wonder why it is I have a problem doing that. I know it is not in  my work ethic, and I never was one for idol chatter. I never learned as a family member growing up that sharing was OK or even done. Nine people in a small house and no one really knew 'inside any of the others' heads'. We all went about our rote existences, trying to steer away from unpleasantries at all costs. I am only 53 and I feel weary about the future. Is this what going through the motions of and caring for, then losing your parents, is all about?

Everyday Positive ThinkingThe Power of Positive Thinking

Follow Your Gut & Intuitions

     I have been struggling lately with what I want to do as a next career move. I mean, I know I'm a nurse, but now I have my masters. I can go and do something better, something to help. I think I will slowly start a tutoring business. After all, I love to teach and I have seven years of teaching experience. I will have my own office, with my own one bed, one simulator teaching area (for hands-on clinical) and a double wide desk and white out board (academics). I will  provide one-on-one teaching. I will try and instill the values I have in nursing to new nurses. I will help those who struggle to understand. I struggled. I will give them positivity. I will hang outside my little log cabin (attached to my house) "M.S., RN, MSN, Student Nurse/CNA/GNA Tutor, Who Not Only Wants to Educate, But Who Also Wants to Bring Back the Passion For Patients to Nursing. There will be a small, quiet, wind chime outside, my walk way will be cobblestone, and my sign will squeak in the wind as it sways. I will be in Sedona, all said and done, but I will do the footwork here.
     Patients are not numbers. They need to feel heard and understood. They need to be educated and informed and clean and comfortable. Their fears need to be lessened by a special, genuine 'care giving' nurse or CNA/GNA caring for them. Patients will feel that everything will be alright (somehow & in some perspective). They will lay down their trust to the special, passionate nurse/CNA/GNA, if he or she helps them to feel better (in any aspect) and to feel genuinely cared about. I want to try and bring back to nursing practice the patient's perspective. It is to the lay person spelled out in one word: EMPATHY. Patients, after all, are human beings. They are not a bar code, a pain scale from 1-10, or a name and a birthday. There it is.

Nursing

I have come to realize that I am smack dab in the middle of a conundrum of my own making: I love nursing but I am burned out caring for others. It has been nearly 32 years. Add the nursing I did as a child changing my mother's back dressing for years, and it is much more. (She had tuberculosis, lost her right lung and six ribs so they left a hole in her back for purulent drainage). Perhaps it has come to this since my mom died. Or maybe it was taking care of in-laws and my parents that fed into its fruition. My own parents never cared for their parents. My mom moved to the opposite coast as her mom and dad. My dad had his 3 siblings in New York to care for both his parents until their deaths. Caring for ailing parents is right up there on the 1-10 stressor scale. That is the hardest thing I've ever done. Funny how I want to still go to school to become a nurse practitioner. Perhaps that is so I can get out of the politics of it all. I wish nurses were treated better as employees. There are many books out there about health care worker burn-out. I know why. So, what is the positive in this? I suppose it is 'nature's' way of steering me in another direction. Is this the midlife crisis of my career? Perhaps it is merely me standing at a crossroad, waiting for a sign, for a different turn, for something better. I'll keep you posted.

Coffee

Coffee is one of those drinks you either love or hate- think about first thing in the morning, or the smell abhors you. I happen to love it, strong and with delicious cream and real sugar. Though I have lost 19 lbs in 2 months, drinking diet sodas, eating whole grains fruits and vegetables, and using Splenda, I will never sacrifice real sugar and real cream for my coffee. I used to be a Dunkin' Doughnut coffee lover, now I prefer my coffee more acidic and very strong. Therefore now I am a Starbucks lover. And coffee goes so well with 'morning computer'. Snow still all over and more to come. Hope Egypt is improving. Hope the Packers win the Bowl. Hope Obama is regaining some followers and I hope they do not give Emanuel a vote in Chicago. Good-da (I love Aussie Land).

Doctors

I am trying to understand many of the feelings I am experiencing right now for 2 physician friends of mine. Both of them I have known for 20+ years. I was very hurt. Each of them, at different times, this same evening, spoke to me in a way I have never experienced from either one of them. The positive in this?  Find a new job. The stress level is too high; everyone is on edge and fired up; the physicians always seem to always be ready for a fight. I backed away, put my hand up and said, "Stop..never mind. I don't know this person" to one, yet he continued with an angry monologue. He did later apologize; I seemed to have brought up a 'sore topic'. To the other physician, I could not catch my tears from coming, so I politely said I needed to say goodbye and get off the phone". I believe the words were..."and frankly I am highly disappointed by your lackadaisical attitude...this is unacceptable" (because I would not engage a defensive attitude). I never engage in angry words when being attacked. What happened in this event, was a lack of communication from one nurse through him to me. I was not at fault. I took excellent care of the patient. Strangely enough, the incident was about the same patient, different physicians: one in the hospital 'covering' and the one whose patient it was (who was on the phone).

I believe in signs. I believe in numerology. I believe all things happen for a reason, and I believe in fate. I will see what positive this evening will hold and hope to experience this pain  for a short period.

The Conundrum

When one has a realistic view of their own mortality, they come to either count and live their days with appreciation, or they fall prey to 'hoping' they will not succumb to an interference, e.g. worry and obsessing over what could happen. Statistically speaking, 1 out of 4 people will get cancer. The positive-we are gaining on the disease with genetic mapping. Then there are the insane highways & road rage, and just plain dangerous drivers; the positive- drive defensively. Timothy Leary was right: "Be Here Now". Take chances, but live the majority of your life responsibly.

EveryNegativeHasAPositive

EveryNegativeHasAPositive:
I am going to be writing about my journey from here to there.
This is my first entry and how appropo that it is mine.