Life Gets Tough, But the Tough Get Going

          I have been taking my own advice and listening to some positive speakers. The 2 I am listening 2 now are Zig Ziglar and many, many of Anthony Robbins'. Life has been tough ( I am one of two caretakers for my mother-inlaw who now has dementia and a brain tumor) but I am stayin' on the train that focuses on the now, the good and the affirmatives and on the great potentials and dreams. I have learned, as a central theme, action does speak louder than words. One must have a plan(s) with goals and strategies to gain the desired goals. One must follow their action plan(s) step by step and along the way, visualize failures as mere learning experiences not catastrophies.  One must keep positive thoughts flooding into their mind and move forward towards their goal(s) with a sense of urgency and certainty. A most important action to take is to reward oneslf for any action steps taken, no matter how big or small that reward. One must always live with passion and stay in the present working towards a better future. Yep, I'm on that train. I am going to make this consulting business take off. I am well on my way. My foundation is almost completed. All the gut work with starting a business is nearly completed. My 90 day marketing plan is complete and all my marketing materials procured. I have never worked so hard in my life (except for my Master's degree). I am still working full time while doing my consulting apprenticeship. This time I have a mentor who is checking my work and  advising me while I move at a rapid pace. She said the professional resume I did (geared towards lawyers) was about the best she has ever seen. Yeh! I am on my way!I designed my own brochure,  business card and letterhead. I have a website. I have a business email. I have a business manual with all of the documents I have created (mission, vision, and goals, etc.), my USP (Unique Selling Points), end-user agreement, sample reports I have written for marketing, and a copy of my two page website. I intend to keep adding to this book as a diary of sorts and as a business marketing book to pull from when pursuing clients. Taley-ho! Here I go! My marketing plan begins May 1. I go part-time at work May 5. I want THIS dream, this goal of becoming a super successful Legal Nurse Consultant to come true- to see its fruition. I know it will.
Catalyst Nurse Legal Consulting & Associates, LLC
www.catalyst4nlc.com
catalyst4nlc@gmail.com

The ER

Working in an emergency room as an RN is iextremely stressful. Why then do I choose to do it? Because there is a knowledge base there that covers all aspects of the human body, its spirit and it's mind. It is a place to learn prioritization, depersonalization, and patience. It is special when one can go one more step and learn empathy and compassion. They are difficult feelings at times to touch, to feel.
The patient populations and their diversities can be overwhelming. There are 'regulars' that come in only to test you one more foot. There are 'group' types that come in that take all the patience you have. Still you are there for the patients, yet they are not always caring of that fact.They may just want drugs or a meal or simply attention. They may need a place to stay or a place to come to get cleaned up and the have their wounds tended. They may only need to get away from uncaring family members or abusive ones.
 Someone once told me that 90% of ER patients are not that ill and that the other 10% need the ER's services. Interesting. I am seeing differently. What I do see are patients who have BEEN sick chronically and just decide to come in on any given day for any kind of treatment. Some don't even know how sick they are. Some leave when they find out without being treated.
We still have the problems of the patients who have no insurance who come to the ER for the smallest things and those without insurance who wait too long to come in and are very seriously ill. It is a chronic problem for the taxpayer but something all ER's must do based on EMTALA laws. No patient is to be turned away for lack of ability to pay.
What is aggrevating is the number of patients who are on methadone but take none of their other meds to be well. Addiction is an ugly animal. Addiction effects a good portion of our clientele in one way or another. What many do not know is that due to computerized medical records, physicians can track months and years back where a patient has been and for what. A physician then can tell who is drug-seeking through visitation patterns with various ailments. Interesting stuff huh?
Nurses are now more aloof of being abused in an ER setting. Demanding or manipulative, aggressive or violent, patients come in all shapes and sizes of psychological states. And then there are those patients who are just mean by nature who feel you owe them something when you just met. But there are those patients who are kind and appreciative of everything you do for them. My mother was one such type of patient. She is the angel who watches over me as I trudge through the cacophony and conundrums.

Passing Tests

I passed a test today. Not my usual score mind you, but an 88% none the less. It was a written test for PALS certification. The acronym stands for pediatric advanced life support. So now I am the holder of a basic CPR 'card', an ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) card, AND the PALS card. These are all requirements of the ER in which I work, so it is no surprise for me to have them. The last two were just very difficult to pass for someone who suffers for intermittent low self-confidence. It did not help that I had had no time to study properly due to a course of events. My daughter was in town the weekend before last and I had doctor's appointments and my 12 hour shifts to do in rows. I have been exhausted, mostly due to nerves, having no real down time. My acid reflux has been acting up; I had palpitations, AND I had a migraine headache which left me with a four-day headache afterwards. The positive in all this-another feather in my cap and some added cement to build stronger, brick by brick, my walls of confidence.

When a Mistake Hurts

I made a mistake today and I learned from it. It was a big mistake. One that hurt only me very deeply. I wish I could take it back, but then would I have learned from it? Mistakes are 'oops' moments that are either trivial or ginormous. Today's mistake was ginormous. I ache from it. I am sullen and taken aback. I will be so sad for a few days and then, knowing myself as I do, I will be pensive to the core for months over it. It wasn't even an accidental happening. I knew I was making a mistake when I did it. Now I am weary and somewhat devastated. I have hurt myself so badly doing this, an action involving myself alone. How can we sometimes be so short-sighted when we make decisions. We Americans are instant gratifiers and yes...you don't know what you've got till it's gone and.....it is true that if you have your health, you have just about everything. No I did not harm anyone in the least. I simply made a bad decision to act on an illusive feeling. Feelings are transitory.

A Job Is A Job Is A Job

What is it about some nights when you just loathe the thought about going to work the next day? A job is a job is a job right? We have to go to live...or is it 'live to work and work to live? A job is a place where you socialize, provide a service and make money. No more. It shapes many an identity. If you are a physician, you are healing the sick. If you are a teacher, you are expanding minds. But still, most jobs are an extended expenditure which leave us physically and emotionally tired by the end of the night or day. We try to focus on fun things, healthy things to do imbetween work days, but many of us find it arduous to attempt. I suppose the answer is to take all in stride. Do your best when you are at work or find another job. Try to have fun on your days off (to liquidate your stressors), and try to always be thinking of ways to do something each day which either makes us happy or is good for us. Labor on...........

The Funerals at Midlife

I never realized as a child or even as a teenager what my parents must have gone through losing classmates and friends and their parents. I realized their pain as I became a mother myself and was old enough at that point to understand the sting of losing friends. It was a parallel; the older they became the more of their friends and family members they lost. Of course my parents were fortunate enough to live into their eighties. But was it fortune? It had to become a sort of lonliness that multiplied as your best friends, your parents, and even aquaintenences pass on. I know one man, a friend to my parents (who are now both gone) approaching 80, who exemplifies my thought. He asked, "Whose going to come to my funeral?" He has buried his parents, sisters and brothers and friends. I think as one approaches midlife, it begins to really 'sink in'. The midlife funerals. A time when one realizes the brevity of life and the gift that it really is.

Where Is Our Security?

I am amazed at the lack of physical security we still have in this country. All these shooters. Where are our heroes? We have computer mainframes afire, satelites echoing information, but where are the people? They are behind all of the security- but where are those who need to be out front? Every public facility needs beefy security people at every entrance, exit, and lonely area. Jack up the volume and spit out the numbers. Create THESE jobs. Security ablaze. I wouldn't mind it; I would appreciate it, much like bouncers in bars. They provide one with a sense of security amidst the drunks and troublemakers. We need more heroes. We need to spread out more security personnel to provide us with more eyes and ears in what is becoming such a bullied country.

Forever Thoughts Get In The Way

I have had the best and some of the worst in many things, in many ways. I have been loved unconditionally and I have been loved very conditionally and I lost the contest. But forever thoughts get in the way. Things that your parents did or said, sibling issues, self-reflection issues.
I have lost money and I have had financial opportunities. I have been beautiful and slim and young, sensual and giving. Could I have done things differently, I would have married more carefully and with more thought into compatibility, not differences. I would have given my love to those who did not judge me by class or intelligence. Forever thoughts and the what ifs. We have all had them. Some of us can stay in the present and plan for the future. Some of us can live too much in the past and wonder where we would have been if we had chosen a different career, a different love, a different path. Those forever thoughts; they get in my way.

It Has Been So Long and I Quit

Since I have written...This will be the first holiday season without both my parents. My mom died in 2008 (seems like three months ago) and my dad just passed in April this year. It leaves one feeling raw and open emotionally. I have been missing my dad a lot lately. He became a sweet older man with time. He never complained once after my mom died. The odd thing my siblings have a totally different outlook on their deaths, one of lack of sentiment. Their house, my childhood home, just sold. Another milestone of pain and change. To think of someone else living in there leaves me with anger and sadness both. Time goes on as do feelings.

I left the PhD program with a 98 average. It was too much for me. I am grieving that as well. It will take time. I was not a failure; I suppose a great success being able to call it a day knowing it may have been much work for nothing but an acronym after my name. I had to ask myself....why do they make the work so overwhelming? Is there a reason? Could it not be as intense? Times have changed in every case scenario I stand. And I really don't feel like it is 'becoming my parents' and hearing these same things. I think our times are VERY pressured, too much. SO I move forward again, one step, one day, at a time. No backwards allowed. Technology and everyone around me is moving fast. My drive to work via 4 major highways tells me enough.

Well I Passed!

I passed my Certified Legal Consultant test! I felt as if I was taking the bar exam! It was VERY hard. It had a lot of legal jargon, much of Latin derivation. Still I am very proud of myself and since that date have been taking daily steps to set up my own business: the LLC, the office set up and room designation for tax purposes (I will be working from home), and odds and ends which are many. Sometimes I wonder. I have had So much to do to pull this off, down to the suit, the briefcase, the referrals, the business stationary, the car magnets (cute huh...why not be a rolling advertisement-there are over 1,800,000 lawyers in the USA and counting! But the other piece is having to get another job while I have a job to build this business. I have applied for 11 jobs-try that on today's internet-ways-to-do-things-rather-than-on-paper mode) and I already have 3 bites. two are promising and exactly what I need. One is a Sat Sun 7p-7a supervisory position and the other is with an agency. Both will profit my desired end goal- to be an independent legal consultant. One is in geriatrics, the other will be in OB. These are the 2 HOTTEST fields involving law suits there are. Tally-ho.

Wish me luck my dear God- give me all your blessings.

I am testing tomorrow for my license as a Certified Legal Nurse Consultant. may all the forces of the universe, my own beliefs in myself, and my passion, take me to a passing score. Thanks for listening God. I know you already know if I passed. My path is already chosen.

MY Four-legged Friend-Misty Girl

I had bought her at the Vet's office. He had found a litter of barn kittens and was trying to find them homes. 200 dollars later, she was mine. I named her Misty because she had a bad cataract over her left eye. Later she would develop bad arthritis in her left leg,in the equivalent area of the human's knee. It made her left leg permanently bent at a 30 degree angle to where she had to limp. She was 7 until today. You see, we live on a farm. At 945 pm we found her dead in our yard, killed by another animal. Her neck was broken, her mouth full of blood and her white chest pink and red. But her sweet, lame eye was open, as was her 'good eye. She had eaten her dinner. She had gone out for her evening stroll around our back deck area. But when she never came in when we kept calling her, by early nightfall, we were out with our flashlights. We scoured the premises, but what we found was 4 feet from our garden. Our Misty Girl had been attacked and killed by a fox and lay there dead, bloody from her chest to her mouth. Her neck had been broken in that hard fight she fought to her death. At 1015 PM, we had laid her to rest 4 feet down in the garden spot she was closest to, in a box, wrapped in my husband's jacket and lain on a soft bed of towels, her proud head propped up. We even put a small amount of her favorite hard food in with her. We were crying like babies. My husband digging, and I just holding her and talking to her in her afterlife. She is gone from us now. Oh, did I mention she could talk? Not only was she lame, with 1 and one half cataracts, but she could talk in syllables. Her answers to your questions were always syllabic-ally correct and she would carry the 'conversation' on  until you stopped, not her. I will miss my brave baby. Another rescue and our third animal death in 5 years, 2nd parent death in 3 years. Yet her death- was tragic for one of the sweetest, most playful, snugly cats, who despite her imperfections, had the happiest, unpresumptuous personality of any cat I have known. God perfect you now angel Misty. You were a pleasure to have known, a joy in our lives

Birthdays and Zones of Discomfort

Today marks the beginning of my 55th year on the earth. I am 25 lbs overweight, work hard as a nurse, and ache like it too from both those sources. I remember Dale Carnegie saying, " Every action has a consequence". Therefore, every lack of action will also. It is a constant battle in the brain to do the healthier things. When one is so tired from long hours and devotional care, does one (do I) rest or exercise? I know the right answer, but rest feels healthier for me now. I have been a nurse for 33 years now. I have done just about everything and every area to do with it. Then there comes with it the response to friends and family because you ARE a nurse. I yearn to do yoga to get more limber and stretched/toned. I want to rejoin the gym. The oddity is, my knees are in good shape...(it is my hips that ache, and my legs from standing long hours) and I want to be a runner. I want for a neighborhood. I have no sidewalks where I live. I have no nearby school track. In either area, I would feel safer running.
I should go by Neil Armstrong's theory...One small step...(for me)...one giant step (in the short and long run- no pun intended). Maybe this will be MY year to move it along.

Listen Well and Don't Tell

Many people when you say something like, "Gosh I'm tired" will respond with something like, "Not as tired as I am". What most of we human beings want is social connection and human caring and yes, even touch. But it has become discouraging to me how poorly people communicate or how insensitive they can be to another's needs. When someone says' "I hate this job", instead of saying "Yeh I hate it too...just the other day...", say something like, "Yeh, this is a hard environment to work in. Are you sleeping OK"? But I am becomin more and more cognisant of how few people can actively listen or therapeutically communicate. To me,  it sends a clear message that many are so stressed and so into their enclosed world's stressors, that they have forgotten that it often does help to help another by actively listening to them and responding to them as if you heard them and that you care. I think the issue is that few have the reserve left, that many do not have the skills of communication and positive body language, and that many younger people were just not raised with the manners and ettique training some of we older ones were. The fear of authority had a lot to do with 'doing and saying the right thing'. I also believe that technology has removed many human physical contact factors and taken away 'paying attention' to those around you on a personal level.

Spinning

Where to go when you're spinning? It almost feels like the spinning is out of control. I've lost the cord; I'm feeling way off balance. I feel I have too many questions, to many decisions to answer in order to move forward. My job environment (the interactions and actions between and of people) is hostile and the politics are insane. I have yet to categorize how my parents' deaths have affected me. My 54th birthday coming up has me getting quite philosophical about my metamorphing body and my mortality. My relationships with siblings are strained and fading into dust. I have spent much energy with that subject. My relationships with friends has taken on a whole new meaning. I have only a few friends with whom I can trust for one. And yes, I really do trust them. But what I have noticed so strikingly lately is how stressed people are. But aren't most of us? What I am recognizing is that people are becoming meaner, and much less respectful. They are in their own caccon and cannot blend within the human existance circles, whether they be social, casual, or professional. Just because someone is undergoing stress, it does not give them the right to be rude or just plain mean. It is beginning to exhaust me trying to mentally play the depersonalization psych move. My feelings are hurt quite frequently lately, mostly by physicians who will inadvertently and unknowingly include me in their 'I hate nursing care here OR the nursing care here is lousy'. I pride myself in my care. I pride myself in excellent patient care. I resent these comments. They sadden me intensly because I do not deserve to be the brunt of these comments; they are being projected onto me. I am at a level where I am ready to sue for defamation of character. Yes that is how angry and upset I am.

That Which You Do That Is Responsible, Is Often The Most Difficult

When others need you, or just need someone, to help them, it will have its consequence. I just returned from a trip to Florida. It was to see an elderly couple, she 91 and he, 80. It was their birthday weekend. I was also down there to see my daughter and a friend who I consider my sister. They are all within 3 hours of one another. The elderly couple took me in as their own for many years. My mother had tuberculosis and spent nearly 3 years in a hospital. My Dad had six other children, ages 4 through 13. The friend that is like a sister to me, is the daughter of the couple that 'took me in'. They had an instant new member of the family. They  are wonderful, jolly people. At 91, my psuedo-mom iis still spry. At 80, my psuedo-dad still is fully functional and taking good care of both of them. At 67, my psuedo-sister is a newly diagnosed terminal cancer victim. She is their only child. She has 5 children and many grandchildren, even great-grands. She lives alone, near her parents. She has been divorced for a long, long time. So, the purpose of the trip was multi-faceted. I was there to see my 'second parents', I was there for their birthday parties, but most importantly- I was there for my 'sister'. She is going to die. She feels I am her only sibling. So I went with gifts and encouragement. Everyone I encountered will be affected by her illness and demise. Her 'children' who are 45-35, do not know where to go or what to do. They are pulling together (2 of them not so much), taking it day by day, as we all must do when faced with the many challenges life puts before us. Once again, I am faced with the fragility of life and its many miracles and gifts. Yet, once again, my own mortality and my life's gifts/blessings warrent time for appreciation. Now home, I must rest- because I flew in at 130 in the mornng and went to work a 15 hour shift the same day. But I did sleep 10 glorious hours last night and everything that I did which was stressful and challenging while away, was worth it, in some way/lesson or form.

They Keep On Dying/It Keeps On Coming Like a Locomotive

I just found out tonight that my adopted sister has terminal cancer. Now....I just lost my mother 3 years ago, and my Dad on April 4th of this year. I have buried at least 2, child-aged people, and friends in their 30's, 40's and 50's. Their deaths were primarily from cancer, 'syndromes', accidental deaths, or heart attacks.. Why, in this country, or any other, can't we figure this disease out? Cells in the body go evil and take over good cells. This has been around a long time now; probably longer than we know, way, way back in history. If I were talking to my ex-father-in-law, he would say it's a conspiracy theory. Control the population allowing big business to flourish and pollute, enhance cigarettes with more nicotine to increase addiction. Take away jobs, homes, sanity (increase the suicide rate and cause drug addictions), and increase gas prices. All of this will in turn increase the cost of health care and health care insurance needed. More expensive healthcare will cause more lack of compliance, more load on the middle income back, and more baby-boomer burn-out. Then the circle revolves to increase the need for more scientific study.

In any event, I am mortified and numb yet again. This woman has such a beautiful extended family. She lives a lone now and had just retired at 68. She wasn't feeling well. Her stomach hurt under her ribs. The sonogram shows a mass. The biopsy shows adenocarcinoma. The prognosis of gall bladder cancer with positive nodes, she is told, is 6-18 months. She is told her cancer is aggressive like pancreatic cancer.
Her daughter Lisa, called me to tell me I was number one on her mother's list to call and tell (after her immediate family of course). Now remember, this is my 'adopted sister'. When my mother had tuberculosis, I was a baby. My Dad was afraid. He had six other children to raise while my mother would be in the hospital for 18 months in Valley Forge. A neighbor asked a neighbor if they could help this man (my father)with seven children and watch his baby until his wife was well. The people who agreed one night, were total strangers to my Dad when he took me to live with them the same night. He knocked on their door, introductions were done, the baby and the clothing was handed over, and (the baby) I, instantly had a 14 year old sister for the next few years. Her name was Sandy. She was an only child. She now felt like she had a family. It was a sad time when I was slowly weened away from this family back to my biological family of 6. I felt lost in a shuffle. Confused. Scared. And I know Sandy was too. Now she is scared for her life.

She will have known about this diagnosis a week come Friday. She had her first chemo the day after the diagnosis. I was called tonight, by her eldest daughter, who was eight when I was born. All I know is, those years with Sandy and my 'adoptive' family were very happy, relaxed, warm, loving years. We are still in contact, my  'other' parents and I; she is 91 and he is 80. But their only daughter is close to death now if she goes without a good fight, many good prayers, much love, and the miracles gifted doctors can perform. Let us pray that Sandy can pray, stay busy, and fight. This I told her tonight," Tonight marks 'Kick Cancer's Ass Kick-Off Night". I could feel her smile over the phone 1000 miles away.

Feed Your Pets, Your Plants, Your Spirit

The animals are innocents. The plants, if you have taken them from the earth and put them in your house, then feed them and care for them too. Now your spirit. Big taking. It is very hard to be true to your spirit when everything around you effects you, no matter how many deflectors or filters you have. Then there are your obligations, your responsibilities. You work to live and live to work as 'they' say. You have chores to do and miracles to behold simultaneously. Not an easy thing. It is very much a matter of choice...and surprisingly enough, the chores can be done and the miracles can be beheld at the same time. But 'miracles' are missed on a daily basis by many. What exactly is a miracle anyway? To me it is something that is just spectacular, beautiful, or amazing. It is a shooting star, a perfect rainbow. It is when the thing you NEED, shows up in a form you don't recognize. It is when all of Lance Armstrong's cancer disappears through will or some unknown reason no one will ever know. It is a perfect song, a blue bird, a honeybee. It is the love you share with yourself when you allow yourself the time and then experience the peace that follows. It is simply sitting outside and in utter amazement experience the perfection of the world we know in its design. But we, as human beings, with all of our emotional vastness and complexities and traumas, forget to...just BE.