Passing Tests

I passed a test today. Not my usual score mind you, but an 88% none the less. It was a written test for PALS certification. The acronym stands for pediatric advanced life support. So now I am the holder of a basic CPR 'card', an ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) card, AND the PALS card. These are all requirements of the ER in which I work, so it is no surprise for me to have them. The last two were just very difficult to pass for someone who suffers for intermittent low self-confidence. It did not help that I had had no time to study properly due to a course of events. My daughter was in town the weekend before last and I had doctor's appointments and my 12 hour shifts to do in rows. I have been exhausted, mostly due to nerves, having no real down time. My acid reflux has been acting up; I had palpitations, AND I had a migraine headache which left me with a four-day headache afterwards. The positive in all this-another feather in my cap and some added cement to build stronger, brick by brick, my walls of confidence.

When a Mistake Hurts

I made a mistake today and I learned from it. It was a big mistake. One that hurt only me very deeply. I wish I could take it back, but then would I have learned from it? Mistakes are 'oops' moments that are either trivial or ginormous. Today's mistake was ginormous. I ache from it. I am sullen and taken aback. I will be so sad for a few days and then, knowing myself as I do, I will be pensive to the core for months over it. It wasn't even an accidental happening. I knew I was making a mistake when I did it. Now I am weary and somewhat devastated. I have hurt myself so badly doing this, an action involving myself alone. How can we sometimes be so short-sighted when we make decisions. We Americans are instant gratifiers and yes...you don't know what you've got till it's gone and.....it is true that if you have your health, you have just about everything. No I did not harm anyone in the least. I simply made a bad decision to act on an illusive feeling. Feelings are transitory.

A Job Is A Job Is A Job

What is it about some nights when you just loathe the thought about going to work the next day? A job is a job is a job right? We have to go to live...or is it 'live to work and work to live? A job is a place where you socialize, provide a service and make money. No more. It shapes many an identity. If you are a physician, you are healing the sick. If you are a teacher, you are expanding minds. But still, most jobs are an extended expenditure which leave us physically and emotionally tired by the end of the night or day. We try to focus on fun things, healthy things to do imbetween work days, but many of us find it arduous to attempt. I suppose the answer is to take all in stride. Do your best when you are at work or find another job. Try to have fun on your days off (to liquidate your stressors), and try to always be thinking of ways to do something each day which either makes us happy or is good for us. Labor on...........

The Funerals at Midlife

I never realized as a child or even as a teenager what my parents must have gone through losing classmates and friends and their parents. I realized their pain as I became a mother myself and was old enough at that point to understand the sting of losing friends. It was a parallel; the older they became the more of their friends and family members they lost. Of course my parents were fortunate enough to live into their eighties. But was it fortune? It had to become a sort of lonliness that multiplied as your best friends, your parents, and even aquaintenences pass on. I know one man, a friend to my parents (who are now both gone) approaching 80, who exemplifies my thought. He asked, "Whose going to come to my funeral?" He has buried his parents, sisters and brothers and friends. I think as one approaches midlife, it begins to really 'sink in'. The midlife funerals. A time when one realizes the brevity of life and the gift that it really is.

Where Is Our Security?

I am amazed at the lack of physical security we still have in this country. All these shooters. Where are our heroes? We have computer mainframes afire, satelites echoing information, but where are the people? They are behind all of the security- but where are those who need to be out front? Every public facility needs beefy security people at every entrance, exit, and lonely area. Jack up the volume and spit out the numbers. Create THESE jobs. Security ablaze. I wouldn't mind it; I would appreciate it, much like bouncers in bars. They provide one with a sense of security amidst the drunks and troublemakers. We need more heroes. We need to spread out more security personnel to provide us with more eyes and ears in what is becoming such a bullied country.

Forever Thoughts Get In The Way

I have had the best and some of the worst in many things, in many ways. I have been loved unconditionally and I have been loved very conditionally and I lost the contest. But forever thoughts get in the way. Things that your parents did or said, sibling issues, self-reflection issues.
I have lost money and I have had financial opportunities. I have been beautiful and slim and young, sensual and giving. Could I have done things differently, I would have married more carefully and with more thought into compatibility, not differences. I would have given my love to those who did not judge me by class or intelligence. Forever thoughts and the what ifs. We have all had them. Some of us can stay in the present and plan for the future. Some of us can live too much in the past and wonder where we would have been if we had chosen a different career, a different love, a different path. Those forever thoughts; they get in my way.

It Has Been So Long and I Quit

Since I have written...This will be the first holiday season without both my parents. My mom died in 2008 (seems like three months ago) and my dad just passed in April this year. It leaves one feeling raw and open emotionally. I have been missing my dad a lot lately. He became a sweet older man with time. He never complained once after my mom died. The odd thing my siblings have a totally different outlook on their deaths, one of lack of sentiment. Their house, my childhood home, just sold. Another milestone of pain and change. To think of someone else living in there leaves me with anger and sadness both. Time goes on as do feelings.

I left the PhD program with a 98 average. It was too much for me. I am grieving that as well. It will take time. I was not a failure; I suppose a great success being able to call it a day knowing it may have been much work for nothing but an acronym after my name. I had to ask myself....why do they make the work so overwhelming? Is there a reason? Could it not be as intense? Times have changed in every case scenario I stand. And I really don't feel like it is 'becoming my parents' and hearing these same things. I think our times are VERY pressured, too much. SO I move forward again, one step, one day, at a time. No backwards allowed. Technology and everyone around me is moving fast. My drive to work via 4 major highways tells me enough.