Where to Go and What to Do When You Don't Know Where or What

I don't know what I would do without ths blog. It has been cathartic for me. It's like I am talking to no one but still baring my soul. An interesting concept. Free therapy. I don't know what I am suppose to do right now but stay strong and keep moving. I will see my dad today and again Saturday. Sunday, I will go back to work, now that all is set up for his Hospice care. I can step back and not be the nurse when I am with him, which is what I wanted. I want to just be the daughter. But now the daughter will lose her father. The 'when' is the hardest part. Giving things 'up to God' becomes harder too when you're only a student of His. I try, honestly I try, but I was raised in a double-standard Catholic household. I never knew the Bible. I still don't. We sat in church but Hell was before going and after we left. Whoever said the youngest child is the spoiled one...forget it. We usually see all the mistakes, the hardships, the violence, the thick air. The only positive in my Dad's ensuing death is his ensuing peace. Like it has been said, "It is the living who suffer". The pain of losing a parent, both parents, NEVER goes away. Never. Because it is this loss that makes you confront yourself and what is left of your own life.

Does Time Really Heal?

Even my dog, Shilo seems sad today. Who says animals don't know. They do. They sense. Today I have to go and set up hospice for my Dad so he can come home to die. Where do I find the strength? The tears run down my cheeks just typing this. But does time heal? I don't think so. Events happen- related to people so important to you, or those you so loved so strongly in the passed and lost. Time blurs the memories, but there is always a nebulous ache deep in your heart and a void-like space left in your gut.

Dad is Dying

I am in a fog. The worst is coming out in us all as we try to cope and do the right thing. The only problem is, being a family of 6 (one MIA) makes decision-making harder. We all have beliefs about things such as parenteral nutrition, defibrillation, and hospital vs. home. I am for bringing him home and having hospice. Others want to try other things which are invasive while he is in the hospital. I do not want to play the game of heroine; I want to walk him to the Gates to Heaven, talk to him all the way, and then let go of his hand, wish him well, and unselfishly smile as he lets go to walk in paradise with my mom. Thank God right now for the little things. Animals (your pets) know when there is sadness or illness. They offer some peace just by their unconditional love.

When Push Comes To Shove

One thing that keeps me grounded right now is reading Dale Carnagie's book Stop Worrying and Start Living. It is filled with wisdom, history, quotes, and allogories. One thing interesting he speaks to: 'keeping day-tight compartments' (locking out the past and future). Another is, your brain can only think of one thing at a time, so keep busy. Sounds simple enough, but when going through tragedy, it is even more important to act and not react, do things that matter, and do things that are righteous. I now have all his books and have bought books he has alluded to. David MaNally's book, Even Eagles Need a Shove, about describes me right now, though I feel like a hummingbird whose heart is about to give out. I am off to the hospital to see my father.

Morbity and Mortality Come Closer and Closer

    When you approach the years of 'middle age', you look back and wonder why no one told you that it would be an exercize in 'Loss-501'. I use 501 because that usually is a master's course level, and this is when we are to master the skill of coping and pressing on after losing parents, siblings,....all those from levels 101, 201, 301 and 401. It would have only been fair to say we were already through 101, 201, 301, and 401. After all, we witnessed aunts, uncles, and grandperants die....but they seemed to be in a remote neighborhood far away from what we lived with- a feeling of immortality. We have, or at least I have, very little memory of the deaths of grandparents, aunts and uncles. What I do remember much more vividly were the losses of friends in their sleep or to suicide or drowning. That would be my 401 level class. 301 would have to be going to funerals of distant relatives that caused my parents much lamenting and tears. I remember flying alone to 'represent' my mom and my brothers and sisters at my grandmother's funeral. She was 104 and I had met her three times before her death, but she and my mom were not 'close'. So I went for my mom. Sad as my mom was her only surviving child. But she couldn't do it. She did not shed a tear in front of me, but I knew she was hurting over the life she had  not had with her mother. My grandma was ornry and blatant. My mom said she used to call her stupid all the time and throw things at her and favored her only brother. Yes that would be level 301. To feel the pain they are feeling because when your parents hurt, you hurt.
    I remember flying alone with my Dad to New York to bury his favorite sister, a nun and the sister who literally raised my dad. He fell to his knees in tears delivering her eulogy and I was the only one in a room of many (including nuns) who rushed to lift him up and hold him. Sad and sacrilegious. Very hard for me. I was the baby of seven. Where were my older brothers? My sisters?
   I suppose 201 would be watching those around you as you grow from pre-teen to 'adult', go through pain and illness. 101 would be experiencing your own illnesses (as a child and young adult) that you somehow knew you would survive. (Keep in mind, I did not exist during the Great Depression, The Plague, the flu pandemic of 1918, or WWI or II, polio, smallpox and TB). My parents witnessed in some sense of the event, WWI through their fathers. My dad was 17 when he joined the Army and was 19 when he was next to be shipped out to Normandy. I wasn't born until my Dad was 35. Instead he fought other battles and did 2 tours in Vietnam as did my one brother.
   So here I am numb and confused at the master's level and master of nothing but an odd painful numbness.

When The Lights Go Down in the City

I placed a DNR in my Dad's medical record today as he lay in the hospital ill. He is now 88, incontintent and more confused. It is sad to see the emptiness in his eyes. Perhaps God plans it that way....that we not know where we are as we prepare for our last journey.
What a plague it is to have upon you this resposibility, this 'call'.
But I do it for my mom; I held her as she died. God rest her soul (7-17-08).
Now Alfred George Keggins, my 'daddy', is leaving me slowly.
It is just about going to kill me.

The American Health Care Scurge

Health care in the United States is shaped by the lawyers who mitigate unnecessary cases. "Call -A-Lawyer" adds need to be removed from television. Think about that one. Do you know how much money it costs to run an add during prime time? Millions. Now how do these lawyers get this money to pay for these adds? They make perhaps up to 50-90% profit from 'winning' the health care cases that should have never made it to court. Putting ideas to sue into audiences' minds makes these lawyers 'bottom-feeders'.

Is it a Running Away or a Spiritual Sojourn?

I missed touring Europe for the summer after high school and before college. I never even fulfilled my dream of spending summers (a couple) in Ocean City, MD waitressing by night and sunbathing and musing by day. I now have another opportunity and I am miffed as to whether I should go with it. I want to go do a travel nurse assignment in Arizona. Why? Because I do not like my job nor my hour long drive to get there or to get back from there. I risk my life on 4 very busy freeways/beltways, and interstates to get there. I have been under a lot of pressure. I am one who feels there is NO time that is the RIGHT time. The one adventure that was impetuous turned out to be a lasting memory. I took a 1,000 dollars and my two kids and went up through New England and back, seeing all historic places and some just fun ones. It was totally spontaneous. It did wonders for my sense of fun and love of travel and just for giving in to a whim. Yes, why not be a traveler. My husband could take care of  business here and actually probably more efficiently. It would be a lesson for me in 'How grown up and brave can I be'? I am speaking of a 13 week contract in the state I want to retire in, to get in touch with me and subtract the stressors/suppressors around me here. It would be a vacation of the soul. I do love quiet and solitude.

When People Feel 'Stuck', They Have Forgotten They Have Choices

It is like the old "I hate my job, but I can't leave". Well, searching for a new job helps one to realize there are other jobs out there. People limit themselves by choices they consciously or subconsciously make. Choices made in an effort of  'saving one's self' are often difficult to make, but in the end, they are the ones that cause the more positive changes. These types of change choices are never the easier ones. Others may think you callous, self-serving, unhelpful. At other times and perhaps in different social circles, you will be thought of  as 'only thinking of yourself''. My take on it all- if you have a clear conscience and you have done many, many good deeds for a long time, it is your time for your freedom-whether it be freedom and forgiveness in your mind or whether it means moving your body to another state or country to solidify a sense of  'I earned and have needed this for a long time'. Bring on the blessings that await you (according to Jabez). Bring um on!

Is It Time To Go?

My husband and I are ready to go, tired of the weight we've been under; a weight that has broken our spirit and our hearts. Life is an adventure right? We are under such strain, much we have no control over. It affects us to the bone and we are ready to snap. What does that mean? We're not sure. I think it means put the house up, pack up and go out west. We all start with nothing coming into this world, and we certainly leave it with nothing.