Listen Well and Don't Tell

Many people when you say something like, "Gosh I'm tired" will respond with something like, "Not as tired as I am". What most of we human beings want is social connection and human caring and yes, even touch. But it has become discouraging to me how poorly people communicate or how insensitive they can be to another's needs. When someone says' "I hate this job", instead of saying "Yeh I hate it too...just the other day...", say something like, "Yeh, this is a hard environment to work in. Are you sleeping OK"? But I am becomin more and more cognisant of how few people can actively listen or therapeutically communicate. To me,  it sends a clear message that many are so stressed and so into their enclosed world's stressors, that they have forgotten that it often does help to help another by actively listening to them and responding to them as if you heard them and that you care. I think the issue is that few have the reserve left, that many do not have the skills of communication and positive body language, and that many younger people were just not raised with the manners and ettique training some of we older ones were. The fear of authority had a lot to do with 'doing and saying the right thing'. I also believe that technology has removed many human physical contact factors and taken away 'paying attention' to those around you on a personal level.

Spinning

Where to go when you're spinning? It almost feels like the spinning is out of control. I've lost the cord; I'm feeling way off balance. I feel I have too many questions, to many decisions to answer in order to move forward. My job environment (the interactions and actions between and of people) is hostile and the politics are insane. I have yet to categorize how my parents' deaths have affected me. My 54th birthday coming up has me getting quite philosophical about my metamorphing body and my mortality. My relationships with siblings are strained and fading into dust. I have spent much energy with that subject. My relationships with friends has taken on a whole new meaning. I have only a few friends with whom I can trust for one. And yes, I really do trust them. But what I have noticed so strikingly lately is how stressed people are. But aren't most of us? What I am recognizing is that people are becoming meaner, and much less respectful. They are in their own caccon and cannot blend within the human existance circles, whether they be social, casual, or professional. Just because someone is undergoing stress, it does not give them the right to be rude or just plain mean. It is beginning to exhaust me trying to mentally play the depersonalization psych move. My feelings are hurt quite frequently lately, mostly by physicians who will inadvertently and unknowingly include me in their 'I hate nursing care here OR the nursing care here is lousy'. I pride myself in my care. I pride myself in excellent patient care. I resent these comments. They sadden me intensly because I do not deserve to be the brunt of these comments; they are being projected onto me. I am at a level where I am ready to sue for defamation of character. Yes that is how angry and upset I am.

That Which You Do That Is Responsible, Is Often The Most Difficult

When others need you, or just need someone, to help them, it will have its consequence. I just returned from a trip to Florida. It was to see an elderly couple, she 91 and he, 80. It was their birthday weekend. I was also down there to see my daughter and a friend who I consider my sister. They are all within 3 hours of one another. The elderly couple took me in as their own for many years. My mother had tuberculosis and spent nearly 3 years in a hospital. My Dad had six other children, ages 4 through 13. The friend that is like a sister to me, is the daughter of the couple that 'took me in'. They had an instant new member of the family. They  are wonderful, jolly people. At 91, my psuedo-mom iis still spry. At 80, my psuedo-dad still is fully functional and taking good care of both of them. At 67, my psuedo-sister is a newly diagnosed terminal cancer victim. She is their only child. She has 5 children and many grandchildren, even great-grands. She lives alone, near her parents. She has been divorced for a long, long time. So, the purpose of the trip was multi-faceted. I was there to see my 'second parents', I was there for their birthday parties, but most importantly- I was there for my 'sister'. She is going to die. She feels I am her only sibling. So I went with gifts and encouragement. Everyone I encountered will be affected by her illness and demise. Her 'children' who are 45-35, do not know where to go or what to do. They are pulling together (2 of them not so much), taking it day by day, as we all must do when faced with the many challenges life puts before us. Once again, I am faced with the fragility of life and its many miracles and gifts. Yet, once again, my own mortality and my life's gifts/blessings warrent time for appreciation. Now home, I must rest- because I flew in at 130 in the mornng and went to work a 15 hour shift the same day. But I did sleep 10 glorious hours last night and everything that I did which was stressful and challenging while away, was worth it, in some way/lesson or form.

They Keep On Dying/It Keeps On Coming Like a Locomotive

I just found out tonight that my adopted sister has terminal cancer. Now....I just lost my mother 3 years ago, and my Dad on April 4th of this year. I have buried at least 2, child-aged people, and friends in their 30's, 40's and 50's. Their deaths were primarily from cancer, 'syndromes', accidental deaths, or heart attacks.. Why, in this country, or any other, can't we figure this disease out? Cells in the body go evil and take over good cells. This has been around a long time now; probably longer than we know, way, way back in history. If I were talking to my ex-father-in-law, he would say it's a conspiracy theory. Control the population allowing big business to flourish and pollute, enhance cigarettes with more nicotine to increase addiction. Take away jobs, homes, sanity (increase the suicide rate and cause drug addictions), and increase gas prices. All of this will in turn increase the cost of health care and health care insurance needed. More expensive healthcare will cause more lack of compliance, more load on the middle income back, and more baby-boomer burn-out. Then the circle revolves to increase the need for more scientific study.

In any event, I am mortified and numb yet again. This woman has such a beautiful extended family. She lives a lone now and had just retired at 68. She wasn't feeling well. Her stomach hurt under her ribs. The sonogram shows a mass. The biopsy shows adenocarcinoma. The prognosis of gall bladder cancer with positive nodes, she is told, is 6-18 months. She is told her cancer is aggressive like pancreatic cancer.
Her daughter Lisa, called me to tell me I was number one on her mother's list to call and tell (after her immediate family of course). Now remember, this is my 'adopted sister'. When my mother had tuberculosis, I was a baby. My Dad was afraid. He had six other children to raise while my mother would be in the hospital for 18 months in Valley Forge. A neighbor asked a neighbor if they could help this man (my father)with seven children and watch his baby until his wife was well. The people who agreed one night, were total strangers to my Dad when he took me to live with them the same night. He knocked on their door, introductions were done, the baby and the clothing was handed over, and (the baby) I, instantly had a 14 year old sister for the next few years. Her name was Sandy. She was an only child. She now felt like she had a family. It was a sad time when I was slowly weened away from this family back to my biological family of 6. I felt lost in a shuffle. Confused. Scared. And I know Sandy was too. Now she is scared for her life.

She will have known about this diagnosis a week come Friday. She had her first chemo the day after the diagnosis. I was called tonight, by her eldest daughter, who was eight when I was born. All I know is, those years with Sandy and my 'adoptive' family were very happy, relaxed, warm, loving years. We are still in contact, my  'other' parents and I; she is 91 and he is 80. But their only daughter is close to death now if she goes without a good fight, many good prayers, much love, and the miracles gifted doctors can perform. Let us pray that Sandy can pray, stay busy, and fight. This I told her tonight," Tonight marks 'Kick Cancer's Ass Kick-Off Night". I could feel her smile over the phone 1000 miles away.