Passing Tests

I passed a test today. Not my usual score mind you, but an 88% none the less. It was a written test for PALS certification. The acronym stands for pediatric advanced life support. So now I am the holder of a basic CPR 'card', an ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) card, AND the PALS card. These are all requirements of the ER in which I work, so it is no surprise for me to have them. The last two were just very difficult to pass for someone who suffers for intermittent low self-confidence. It did not help that I had had no time to study properly due to a course of events. My daughter was in town the weekend before last and I had doctor's appointments and my 12 hour shifts to do in rows. I have been exhausted, mostly due to nerves, having no real down time. My acid reflux has been acting up; I had palpitations, AND I had a migraine headache which left me with a four-day headache afterwards. The positive in all this-another feather in my cap and some added cement to build stronger, brick by brick, my walls of confidence.

When a Mistake Hurts

I made a mistake today and I learned from it. It was a big mistake. One that hurt only me very deeply. I wish I could take it back, but then would I have learned from it? Mistakes are 'oops' moments that are either trivial or ginormous. Today's mistake was ginormous. I ache from it. I am sullen and taken aback. I will be so sad for a few days and then, knowing myself as I do, I will be pensive to the core for months over it. It wasn't even an accidental happening. I knew I was making a mistake when I did it. Now I am weary and somewhat devastated. I have hurt myself so badly doing this, an action involving myself alone. How can we sometimes be so short-sighted when we make decisions. We Americans are instant gratifiers and yes...you don't know what you've got till it's gone and.....it is true that if you have your health, you have just about everything. No I did not harm anyone in the least. I simply made a bad decision to act on an illusive feeling. Feelings are transitory.

A Job Is A Job Is A Job

What is it about some nights when you just loathe the thought about going to work the next day? A job is a job is a job right? We have to go to live...or is it 'live to work and work to live? A job is a place where you socialize, provide a service and make money. No more. It shapes many an identity. If you are a physician, you are healing the sick. If you are a teacher, you are expanding minds. But still, most jobs are an extended expenditure which leave us physically and emotionally tired by the end of the night or day. We try to focus on fun things, healthy things to do imbetween work days, but many of us find it arduous to attempt. I suppose the answer is to take all in stride. Do your best when you are at work or find another job. Try to have fun on your days off (to liquidate your stressors), and try to always be thinking of ways to do something each day which either makes us happy or is good for us. Labor on...........

The Funerals at Midlife

I never realized as a child or even as a teenager what my parents must have gone through losing classmates and friends and their parents. I realized their pain as I became a mother myself and was old enough at that point to understand the sting of losing friends. It was a parallel; the older they became the more of their friends and family members they lost. Of course my parents were fortunate enough to live into their eighties. But was it fortune? It had to become a sort of lonliness that multiplied as your best friends, your parents, and even aquaintenences pass on. I know one man, a friend to my parents (who are now both gone) approaching 80, who exemplifies my thought. He asked, "Whose going to come to my funeral?" He has buried his parents, sisters and brothers and friends. I think as one approaches midlife, it begins to really 'sink in'. The midlife funerals. A time when one realizes the brevity of life and the gift that it really is.