Forever Thoughts Get In The Way

I have had the best and some of the worst in many things, in many ways. I have been loved unconditionally and I have been loved very conditionally and I lost the contest. But forever thoughts get in the way. Things that your parents did or said, sibling issues, self-reflection issues.
I have lost money and I have had financial opportunities. I have been beautiful and slim and young, sensual and giving. Could I have done things differently, I would have married more carefully and with more thought into compatibility, not differences. I would have given my love to those who did not judge me by class or intelligence. Forever thoughts and the what ifs. We have all had them. Some of us can stay in the present and plan for the future. Some of us can live too much in the past and wonder where we would have been if we had chosen a different career, a different love, a different path. Those forever thoughts; they get in my way.

It Has Been So Long and I Quit

Since I have written...This will be the first holiday season without both my parents. My mom died in 2008 (seems like three months ago) and my dad just passed in April this year. It leaves one feeling raw and open emotionally. I have been missing my dad a lot lately. He became a sweet older man with time. He never complained once after my mom died. The odd thing my siblings have a totally different outlook on their deaths, one of lack of sentiment. Their house, my childhood home, just sold. Another milestone of pain and change. To think of someone else living in there leaves me with anger and sadness both. Time goes on as do feelings.

I left the PhD program with a 98 average. It was too much for me. I am grieving that as well. It will take time. I was not a failure; I suppose a great success being able to call it a day knowing it may have been much work for nothing but an acronym after my name. I had to ask myself....why do they make the work so overwhelming? Is there a reason? Could it not be as intense? Times have changed in every case scenario I stand. And I really don't feel like it is 'becoming my parents' and hearing these same things. I think our times are VERY pressured, too much. SO I move forward again, one step, one day, at a time. No backwards allowed. Technology and everyone around me is moving fast. My drive to work via 4 major highways tells me enough.